In my 22 years of experience working with teens, I’ve found that they have one fundamental need in common. And if this need is met, they are less angry, less depressed, more communicative, and more cooperative. Teens don’t necessarily need advice, solutions, or agreement with their point, but they do need someone to acknowledge that their feelings and opinions are legitimate, and to have someone meet them in their pain or confusion. Validation is one of the most important things you can give your teenager.
What is validation?
Even though you might be right that your daughter’s friend drama will blow over, that one math test won’t break her grade, or that she is catastrophizing about something that is unlikely to happen, what she needs most is for you to simply try to understand. When her feelings are noticed and honored, she will feel cared for and seen. Psychologist Dr. Marsha Linehan, creator of a therapeutic method called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), suggests there are four guiding principles of what to validate:
What is truly valid (and only what is valid). If your daughter stays out past curfew because she was comforting a friend who was upset, you can validate her compassionate desire to help her friend, but not her disobedience in missing curfew.
The facts of a situation. If your teen is recounting an event that causes you to react emotionally, try to focus on the facts. Always look for a bit of truth in what your teen is saying.
Feelings, beliefs, and opinions about an issue. If you disagree on a social issue, work to understand how your teen came to his conclusions, and acknowledge any positive motivation you can find.
Suffering and pain. Something that doesn’t seem like a big deal to you might be world-shaking for your teenager. When you communicate that her feelings make sense, given the situation, she will feel not only cared for, but normal. Remember also that anger is a secondary emotion; usually there’s some type of hurt underneath.
How do I validate?
It can be tempting to offer solutions to your teen when he’s upset. But what he may actually need is for you to just sit with him in his pain. As you’re listening, try the following:
Give your full attention. Put down your phone, make eye contact, mirror with your facial expression.
Listen actively. Reflect back what you hear your teen saying. For example,“So it sounds like you’re angry because you think I took your brother’s side?” or “So you felt left out when she chose to go with Kaitlyn?”
Withhold judgment. Although your teen’s beliefs or opinions may be misguided, criticism can put him on the defensive. Once he feels his view matters to you, he will be more open to hearing your perspective.
Attempt to understand. Phrases such as “It makes sense that….” or “I can see why” show your teen that you are trying to see things from his side.
Stay humble. Being willing to admit your own mistakes goes a long way with teenagers. It models for them an understanding that you’re in need of grace just as much as they are, and can de-escalate power struggles.
Use feeling words. Acknowledge the emotion your teen must be feeling: “Algebra must be really overwhelming for you right now.” “You must be really disappointed about not making the team.”
When you communicate to your teen that his thoughts and feelings are legitimate, you are helping him believe that they are important and worthwhile, and that therefore he is important and worthwhile. If there’s any message to send our teens, it’s this one.
This blog post has been adapted from my published print article ‘Validation: the key to better communication with your teenager” in the February 2019 issue of Parenting Teens by Lifeway Christian Resources.