How rituals can ease the back-to-school transition

In the 90’s movie You’ve Got Mail, Meg Ryan’s character says, ”Don't you love New York in the fall? It makes me wanna buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address.” Unfortunately, not all children are expressing such an exuberant sentiment about returning to school. Some are mourning the loss of unstructured days without homework. Others are anxious about the uncertainties - what will my teacher be like? Who will I sit with at lunch? Will math be hard?

Of course, as parents we know that the return of a routine gives kids a certain amount of relief. A consistent, predictable daily schedule - including regular mealtimes and bedtime - is stabilizing for them. I would also add that creating a special ritual with your child or teen before school starts is a reassuring reminder of your presence in the midst of this transition. 

Rituals have been around for thousands of years, having been used by fishermen, athletes, priests, and pop stars alike. A 2016 study showed that rituals - repeated behaviors that lack practical purpose but hold meaning for the individual participating - can reduce performance anxiety and provide calm and a sense of control when facing uncertainty. For example, Serena Williams bounces her tennis ball five times before a match, and Rolling Stones musician Keith Richards won’t go on stage unless he’s eaten shepherd’s pie. Your family likely has rituals that involve certain songs, prayers, food, or other experiences to mark birthdays, holidays, or milestones. Even a “good night” hug or kiss at bedtime is a ritual. A ritual is grounded in the values of the person enacting it. It’s intentional, and while not necessarily religious, it’s meaningful.

In her wonderful book, I Love You Rituals, acclaimed author and education expert Dr. Becky Bailey suggests that when parents engage in loving rituals with their children, they are improving brain functioning, fostering emotional wellness, and strengthening the parent-child relationship. She states, “the bond between parent and child is the child’s primary source of emotional health. It gives your child the capacity to have satisfying relationships the rest of his or her life” (p. 14). Examples of what she calls “I love you rituals” could be a special family handshake, a reimagined nursery rhyme, a finger play, or a silly game. In one called “Greetings,” you shake your child’s hand when he arrives home from school, and then proceed to shake other body parts, such as his foot, elbow, pinky finger, etc, infusing the moment with silliness: “Nice to meet you, Mr. Foot!” Giving your full, delighted attention to your child in this way can be a powerful reminder of your love, and send the message that you’re here no matter what. Because rituals are often sensory in nature - using story, song, or touch - they also engage your child’s parasympathetic nervous system, producing a calming effect. The result is that your child not only is better able to self-regulate, but also feels more connected to you. If your child is upset or anxious, this kind of connection goes a lot further than a simple dismissive solution such as “everything will be fine.”  If your child is overwhelmed about the return to school, perhaps a back-to-school ritual could help, even for a teenager!

A ritual can be intentional without being complicated. There is so much room for creativity here, but here are a few examples of some back-to-school rituals for the first day of school, or for every day. 

Rituals for before, or on the first day

• Go out for ice cream as a family on the first day of school, or the day before.

• On the night before school starts, look at all your summer photos together and reminisce about the fun you had.

• Write a note to your child or teen for the first day and put it in their lunch box.

• Have a special first-day-of-school breakfast.

• Take a cue from German parents and prepare a “Schultüte,” a cone-shaped gift containing school supplies and treats for the first day of school.

• Interview your kids - on paper or video - with a few questions about their thoughts and feelings about the coming school year, and use the same questions each year.

• Ask your child or teen to come up with a one-word goal for the year, and then make a piece of art (together or separately) using that word.

• Read a special book together the night before the first day, such as The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn.

• Make a family vision board - cut out pictures from magazines of images that inspire you or remind you of hopes for this school year.

• Ask your child to draw a self-portrait on the first and last day of school.

• On the first morning of school, have a special message written for your child in sidewalk chalk in the driveway.

• Have a “School Year’s Eve” party - it doesn’t matter if you’re eating leftovers or dancing in your pajamas - just have fun!

Regular rituals

• Family meals are a simple, but powerful ritual. Just sitting down together, without devices, says, “You’re important to me.”

• Call and response: Come up with a special statement or affirmation that you say to your child/teen each morning when you say goodbye that they respond to.

• Do what my Mom and I used to do - share a cup of tea or coffee after school with your older child or teen and talk about your day.

• Collaborate with your child to create a special handshake to use before your child leaves for the day and/or when you see them at the end of the day.

• Choose a day of the week to have a special treat together throughout the school year (such as Starbucks on Friday afternoons, or donuts on Tuesday mornings).

• Play a song right when your child/teen gets home from school and dance together.

• If you spend your afternoons in the car shuttling to and from practices and activities, use that time to answer a question such as “The best part of my day was….” (Or keep a question game such as the “Ungame” in the car and let your child/teen pick the card).

• “Highlight/lowlight” - at the dinner table, share the highs and lows of the day together.

• Have a “talk about our day” time as a part of the bedtime routine. If it’s been a tough day, it can help your child to identify the good moments too.

Anything can be a family ritual, and having these moments of connection with your child can do a world of good for your relationship. It can also infuse predictability and security in a time of change. Regardless of the ritual you choose, it’s a good idea to plan one-on-one quality time with each child in your family within the first couple of weeks of school to help you understand how he or she is doing with the transition. I hope you enjoy celebrating this new beginning in your family’s life!

Peace in a pandemic: Ten simple ways to reduce anxiety during COVID-19

The other day I overheard my four year old singing “Hakuna Matata…it means no worries, for the rest of our days…” While it brought a smile to my face, we all know that life is not worry-free, especially right now. In the wake of the COVID-19 virus, there’s a collective, pervasive uncertainty that we all feel. But while anxiety threatens to grip us, we don’t have to let it. As I tell my child clients, we can’t let worry “be the boss.”  We can work with our anxiety, and use it to take action, rather than internalizing it or shooing it away. We can make the best of—and even enjoy—our current limitations. If you’re looking for some practical ways to manage anxiety during this difficult season, here are a few to consider.

1. Be good to your body. Anxiety is a physiological experience. When we’re under stress, it’s crucial that we care for our bodies. But many of us turn to substances or sweets, or let exercise go out the window. And by doing this we sabotage our ability to cope. Prioritize a healthy sleep routine, good eating habits, and exercise— even a short walk around the block can release mood-boosting brain chemicals. Consider trying a relaxation app such as Calm or Headspace. And most importantly, breathe: attentive, deep breathing activates our parasympathetic nervous system, getting us out of that “fight or flight” mode, slowing our heart rate and helping us feel calmer. Kids can do it too! One of my favorites is “hot chocolate breathing”: have your child imagine smelling a cup of hot chocolate and then blowing it to cool it off.

2. Focus on what you can control. One of the things this pandemic has taught us is that we don’t have as much control in our lives as we think we do. But we do have choices in how we respond, both practically and mentally; and taking action is much more productive than worrying about things we can’t change or predict. We practice health precautions, learn facts from reliable sources such as the CDC, and communicate them to our kids in age-appropriate ways. (For helpful articles on talking to your kids about the coronavirus, see this article or this one). We focus on the things we know that are true based on our guiding values or faith tradition. We don’t have to engage in that debate on social media or get swept up in someone else’s feelings of panic. We remember that feeling worried doesn’t mean our fears will actually come to fruition. We replace “what-ifs” with “even-ifs.” We do what we can.

3. Unplug. With news updates coming out every hour, you may feel an impulse to check them and stay up-to-date. But this can be very anxiety-provoking. Set a time (or two) of day when you catch up on necessary news, or limit your exposure to an hour or less per day. Disable social media notifications if you need to, and set aside some time to be device-free. Refresh your spirit through solitude, meditation, or prayer. And, get outside: being in nature can be remarkably effective at lowering our stress.

4. Keep a routine. In an experience of any crisis or change, routine is key. This is especially true for children, who are more susceptible to anxiety during times of major change, and who feel more secure when their circumstances are predictable. Fixed mealtimes, bedtimes, and work/rest/play times can be helpful anchor points. Consider posting a daily or weekly schedule so that your family knows what to expect. Keep the same bedtime every night, even if there isn’t work or school the next day, and stick to as much of your old routine as you’re able to. If you’ve got the extra challenge of homeschooling for the next few weeks, consider instituting a regular “quiet time” for your kids where they have to read, draw, or do puzzles while you work or take a break.

5. Notice beauty. One benefit to being homebound is that our world just got a whole lot smaller. In some ways, this can open our eyes to the beauty in our own backyard. The other day I was sitting on our porch and noticed how blue the sky was, and how chatty the birds were. Their obliviousness was comforting, and it took my mind off of the stress of the day. Break out your camera (the old-fashioned kind, if you have one) and take pictures of an oak tree, an azalea, your kids in their element. To use a therapeutic term, you’re practicing mindfulness. You’re being “all here.”

6. Know your limits. If you’re in the healthcare industry or other sectors that require long shifts right now, it’s especially important that you take care of yourself. You are a human being. Speak up if you need to trade in a shift or take a break. It’s important that those on the front lines are physically and emotionally equipped to work toward eradicating this pandemic, so be sure to take care of you. And if you’re stuck at home with limited meal options, keep your expectations realistic. A repeat of boxed mac and cheese won’t hurt anyone!

7. Play. Of course I’m going to say this since I’m a play therapist, but playing is important to our mental health. It gives us a break us from our whirring minds, connects us to our bodies, and stirs our imagination and creativity. And it connects us to one another. Take time out for recreation: shoot hoops in your driveway, build a lego tower, paint, play board games, laugh.

8. Express it. We can’t always “fix” the source of our anxiety. We just don’t know how this thing will play out, and our concerns are real—fear isn’t necessarily irrational. But we can use art, writing, music, or simple conversation to give our anxiety an outlet and lessen its power over us. You don’t have to be a “creative person” per se to do art or make something (although I believe we are all creative in some way). When we can externalize what’s internal, we can find comfort and perspective.

9. Help others. While we are saddened by the lives lost to COVID-19 in our country, we do have a lot to be grateful for. We have fantastic scientists, health care workers, and hospitals. Most of us have (with the exception maybe of toilet paper!) access to what we need—food, clean water, and quality medical care. But this is not the case for all. Turning our attention outward to the needy and vulnerable in our community and the world at large can be a real source of perspective and joy. It can also teach our children that we are not meant to live in isolation, but in relationship. Do a grocery run for an elderly neighbor, send flowers to an overworked nurse, support a trusted relief organization, or, if you’re in a faith community, ask how you can, wisely and safely, serve someone less fortunate.

10. Do “social distancing” as needed, but not “emotional distancing.” It can be easy to focus on our own difficulties or inconveniences in this season, and we can fall into a pattern of negative thinking. If you internalize your fears or frustrations, they can send you in a downward spiral. Talk out your concerns with someone, or use the benefit of technology to engage with distant loved ones. We need one another. And if you feel overwhelmed by anxiety, get help. Many therapists like myself are offering tele-therapy to their clients. You don’t have to walk through this alone.

    Some anxiety is to be expected in these times, but it doesn’t have to have the last word. Let’s keep our eyes open. Like when I looked to up to see a pileated woodpecker high in our tree this afternoon, we just might find these limitations to be fruitful in unexpected ways. We just might learn the value of slowing down.