In the 90’s movie You’ve Got Mail, Meg Ryan’s character says, ”Don't you love New York in the fall? It makes me wanna buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address.” Unfortunately, not all children are expressing such an exuberant sentiment about returning to school. Some are mourning the loss of unstructured days without homework. Others are anxious about the uncertainties - what will my teacher be like? Who will I sit with at lunch? Will math be hard?
Of course, as parents we know that the return of a routine gives kids a certain amount of relief. A consistent, predictable daily schedule - including regular mealtimes and bedtime - is stabilizing for them. I would also add that creating a special ritual with your child or teen before school starts is a reassuring reminder of your presence in the midst of this transition.
Rituals have been around for thousands of years, having been used by fishermen, athletes, priests, and pop stars alike. A 2016 study showed that rituals - repeated behaviors that lack practical purpose but hold meaning for the individual participating - can reduce performance anxiety and provide calm and a sense of control when facing uncertainty. For example, Serena Williams bounces her tennis ball five times before a match, and Rolling Stones musician Keith Richards won’t go on stage unless he’s eaten shepherd’s pie. Your family likely has rituals that involve certain songs, prayers, food, or other experiences to mark birthdays, holidays, or milestones. Even a “good night” hug or kiss at bedtime is a ritual. A ritual is grounded in the values of the person enacting it. It’s intentional, and while not necessarily religious, it’s meaningful.
In her wonderful book, I Love You Rituals, acclaimed author and education expert Dr. Becky Bailey suggests that when parents engage in loving rituals with their children, they are improving brain functioning, fostering emotional wellness, and strengthening the parent-child relationship. She states, “the bond between parent and child is the child’s primary source of emotional health. It gives your child the capacity to have satisfying relationships the rest of his or her life” (p. 14). Examples of what she calls “I love you rituals” could be a special family handshake, a reimagined nursery rhyme, a finger play, or a silly game. In one called “Greetings,” you shake your child’s hand when he arrives home from school, and then proceed to shake other body parts, such as his foot, elbow, pinky finger, etc, infusing the moment with silliness: “Nice to meet you, Mr. Foot!” Giving your full, delighted attention to your child in this way can be a powerful reminder of your love, and send the message that you’re here no matter what. Because rituals are often sensory in nature - using story, song, or touch - they also engage your child’s parasympathetic nervous system, producing a calming effect. The result is that your child not only is better able to self-regulate, but also feels more connected to you. If your child is upset or anxious, this kind of connection goes a lot further than a simple dismissive solution such as “everything will be fine.” If your child is overwhelmed about the return to school, perhaps a back-to-school ritual could help, even for a teenager!
A ritual can be intentional without being complicated. There is so much room for creativity here, but here are a few examples of some back-to-school rituals for the first day of school, or for every day.
Rituals for before, or on the first day
Go out for ice cream as a family on the first day of school, or the day before.
On the night before school starts, look at all your summer photos together and reminisce about the fun you had.
Write a note to your child or teen for the first day and put it in their lunch box.
Have a special first-day-of-school breakfast.
Take a cue from German parents and prepare a “Schultüte,” a cone-shaped gift containing school supplies and treats for the first day of school.
Interview your kids - on paper or video - with a few questions about their thoughts and feelings about the coming school year, and use the same questions each year.
Ask your child or teen to come up with a one-word goal for the year, and then make a piece of art (together or separately) using that word.
Read a special book together the night before the first day, such as The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn.
Make a family vision board - cut out pictures from magazines of images that inspire you or remind you of hopes for this school year.
Ask your child to draw a self-portrait on the first and last day of school.
On the first morning of school, have a special message written for your child in sidewalk chalk in the driveway.
Have a “School Year’s Eve” party - it doesn’t matter if you’re eating leftovers or dancing in your pajamas - just have fun!
Regular rituals
Family meals are a simple, but powerful ritual. Just sitting down together, without devices, says, “You’re important to me.”
Call and response: Come up with a special statement or affirmation that you say to your child/teen each morning when you say goodbye that they respond to.
Do what my Mom and I used to do - share a cup of tea or coffee after school with your older child or teen and talk about your day.
Collaborate with your child to create a special handshake to use before your child leaves for the day and/or when you see them at the end of the day.
Choose a day of the week to have a special treat together throughout the school year (such as Starbucks on Friday afternoons, or donuts on Tuesday mornings).
Play a song right when your child/teen gets home from school and dance together.
If you spend your afternoons in the car shuttling to and from practices and activities, use that time to answer a question such as “The best part of my day was….” (Or keep a question game such as the “Ungame” in the car and let your child/teen pick the card).
“Highlight/lowlight” - at the dinner table, share the highs and lows of the day together.
Have a “talk about our day” time as a part of the bedtime routine. If it’s been a tough day, it can help your child to identify the good moments too.
Anything can be a family ritual, and having these moments of connection with your child can do a world of good for your relationship. It can also infuse predictability and security in a time of change. Regardless of the ritual you choose, it’s a good idea to plan one-on-one quality time with each child in your family within the first couple of weeks of school to help you understand how he or she is doing with the transition. I hope you enjoy celebrating this new beginning in your family’s life!